Working mom

This is to the working Moms. This is to the women who pre kids and pre work life used to feel beautiful. 

As I lay here on my bed on a Saturday morning watching my sick baby sleep, I am overwhelmed with the huge list of things I should be doing. I am unmotivated and hell, maybe slightly depressed. This year has sped by. In less than a month, my little baby will be one.

I never really could grasp when  people used to tell me, enjoy your time with your husband while you guys are kid free. 
Being a mom has changed me. It has changed me for a lot of good, but there is some bad and ugly that surfaced too. My entire life I have been a go-getter, an overachiever, beyond motivated, a perfectionist, and I hate to admit it OCD. I  can stress my own self out with even the thought of my own expectations. 

This year I have let who I am go. As I try to adapt and learn about my new title as a mom, I have given up. I appearance wise am not the old Ashley anymore. I used to love how I looked and used to love taking a “selfie” because I felt beautiful. I truly can’t tell you the last time I got dolled up just because. The last three weeks, I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to get “all pretty” just because but guess what? I haven’t done it. I feel ugly, I feel unattractive to my husband, and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Because I feel ugly on the outside, I have been letting a lot of ugly from the inside surface. Goals wise, I have given up too; I feel defeated. Every time I try to accomplish a task, J wakes up, cries, wants to be held. I’m not complaining or making excuses. She is a baby and baby’s need us but it has taught me patience but it has also made me bitter. My life is different than a year ago. Time management has been a bitch and things have been paused. I feel guilty when I’m away from J because I don’t want to miss a thing but I am running on “E”.

I’m exhausted. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night or even slept more than 5 hours total. I get up at 4 am everyday and don’t get home until 5 pm. I’m commuting more to work than usual and there’s a lot more preparing things the night before now. I feel like I’m the energizer bunny from 4 am-10 pm. 

My marriage. It has changed too. I feel like I’m in a business partnership. We make a pretty good team but we both have exhausting days. The weekend is a struggle to chose if we catch up on all our chores and soon schoolwork or do we neglect it and go do something fun or heck just sleep in and relax. 

Not too sure what the point of this post is but I do want to give a shout out to all the working parents out there. Also to the working parents with sick babies. This thing called life is beautiful, confusing, and challenging. I am thankful for all the support and friends that have helped me balance and learn how tough and rewarding mommy life can be. 

Now, time for some coffee ☕️