Torn- what is my identity?

I have been so torn lately. My heart has been aching, I’ve been begging God for the answers, and I’ve been sick to my stomach thinking about the future.

I have precisely a month of maternity leave left with lots of activities going on between now and then. This past year I’ve been so torn thinking about if I wanted to stay in the military or exit it and move on to something else. I have been in the Army since June 2009. The National Guard/Army has made up a huge chunk of my identity the past almost 7 years. Without this chapter in my life, my life would have been much different.

I may have not went/finished college, I would have never done ROTC and met my husband, I would have never become an Officer and get to lead Soldiers, I never would have lived in Hawaii; my life wouldn’t be the same way without this amazing experience of serving in the United States Army. The Army has given me opportunity I never could have dreamed of before.

The past year and a half though, I’ve been questioning if I want to continue my service. I don’t feel like I am making the difference /being allotted the time and training I want to in order to do what I originally sought out to do when I swore my commitment to serve and defend the greatest country. The Soldiers, the Leaders, the mission isn’t the same quality of what it originally was. I don’t know how to explain it better, it’s just not the same for me anymore.

Throw in a newborn that melts my heart each and every minute of the day and knowing that I’ll soon be leaving her for long days at work where I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing/bettering the mission. I feel like the military has become so much more political lately, wasting lots of money, and getting very far removed from our tactical missions and training. Garrison life is beating down our Soldiers mentally and physically. 
Also, throw in living on an island in the middle of the Pacific away from my family… It’s just hard and emotional a lot. 

My identity has been Soldier and Leader for some time now. I’m scared. What would I do if I exited the military? What am I good at? What makes me happy? We only have one life on this Earth and damnit if I don’t live it doing something that makes me happy and impacts everyone surrounding me in a better way.

I am not one to sit around and do nothing. I strive for chaos and juggling many things at once. I have an undergrad in Speech and language sciences. Do I go back and pursue my masters to practice Speech Therapy or Audiology? That would mean I need to take the GRE. Do I want another baby in the near future? Daniel wants to stay in the military for a bit longer. Where do we go next? Not sure of any of the above. I keep sitting on all of this when the reality is within the next 6 months if I don’t make up my mind now, it could make the next year and a half way crazy for my little family. 

I am asking for many prayers and I’m hoping for some signs to lead me down the right path. As always, thanks for reading friends!


Dear Jecelin

Dear Jecelin Connie Sperry,

You are approximately 52 days young today! You have changed my life. I know every new mom says that about their baby but it’s simply true. I didn’t know what unconditional love felt like until I laid eyes on you. I fall more in love with you each minute I spend with you. You have grown so so much in the past almost 2 months. Dang, I can’t believe you’re about to be two months old! You have started being very vocal the last week and it pulls at my heart strings every time. You love to lay in your bassinet or pack n play and just babble away! You have also started to recognize colors and learn to smile and my oh my, it’s something else!  

You still love bath time! It relaxes you so much that sometimes you poop in the tub but daddy and I think it’s hilarious. You love floating on your back and kicking your legs in the tub!

 You adore your daddy. I think I could watch you and your daddy interact an entire day and never get tired of it. He loves you so much.

We are going strong with breastfeeding! It amazes me that you have grown so much just off of Mommy’s milk. 

Photo credit: Candice MacDonnell photography

You love to wear your sunglasses, you’re a cloth diaper wearing natural, you love to be carried/worn in the Lillebaby,  you adore FaceTime, you have rolled from your back to your belly once, your head and neck are getting so strong, you still like to party at night instead of sleep but it’s getting better :), and you love to snuggle with mommy and daddy! 

 It’s going to break my heart when I have to go back to work in a month. I am just going to soak everything I can in until then. 

I hope to write to you often so you can read this later. I love you, sweetie. 

Always and forever,



23 days ago I started the adventures of mommyhood! It has been a very emotional ride so far. 

Photo credit: A Little Love
Photography (7 days new)
The first few days from being released from the hospital were painful. It was hard to sit down, my boobs hurt sooo bad (sore, scabs on my nipples, porn star sized boobs from fullness, and excruciating pain because of latch issues). I wanted to give up on breastfeeding. My boobs were so full of milk that it made it so hard for J to latch and my boobs felt like they had rocks inside of them. I read some mommy blogs and it said to pump to relieve pressure. I did that after stumbling through the directions of setting my pump up and pumped out 6-7 OZ of milk. Yes, I said ounces, not milliliters. I was my very own dairy farm😳. I pumped that much on top of feeding her every 3 hours. I was amazed at my milk production. However, everytime she cried because she was hungry I dreaded it. My toes would curl when she latched and I would hold my breath. I despised breastfeeding. 
A few days after delivery I made a breastfeeding consultation appointment and it truly made all the difference. Our latch improved, my nipples healed in a few days, and it was getting more enjoyable. I encourage all you mommas that plan to breastfeed to see a lactation specialist from the get go. Do not let your nipples get so torn like mine before doing anything. 
Breastfeeding was going much better but I started to feel down. It’s a type of emptiness I can’t really explain. I missed her in my belly; I felt lost. You may think this sounds crazy because baby J was here and that’s what I’ve been waiting for. I had the case of the blues. When J would fall asleep in my arms after feeding, I found myself staring at her crying. I didn’t feel connected to her. It was a strange and hopeless feeling. You know what though? I told my husband and he was so supportive. I felt like all I was to my baby was a giant boob. I am sharing this because it’s important. If you experience the case of the blues, TALK about it before it becomes a serious case of depression. 

Photo credit: Candice Macdonnell Photography 

My parents came out 9 days after the baby was born and it helped get me out of my funk. We explored things with the baby, they helped change diapers, let me get some sleep, and all that baby jazz 😎 it was so heartwarming watching them interact with their first grandbaby 😍


Photo credit: Candice Macdonnell Photography

As I write this I think how on Thursday my baby will be a month old and it is so bittersweet. I have watched her grow SO much these past 23 days. She has filled out, her personality has developed, and she has learned so much! I have gotten to watch my husband with my baby and it has been the absolute most sincere and precious relationship I’ve ever seen and I can’t wait to watch their relationship grow even fonder.   

Photo credit: Candice Macdonnell Photography 


Labor and delivery 

February 25th, 2016 forever changed my life. This was the day I became a mom. Jecelin Connie Sperry’s mom.  

 From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I started working on my delivery plan. I wanted to go all natural, no epidural, no pitocin, no c-section, and wanted a midwife. I pretty much just wanted to be left alone and let my body do what it’s supposed to do. 

I am sharing this blog to raise awareness and to reassure others that even though your plan doesn’t go step by step, you still can have a beautiful experience. I am also sharing this to let moms know you make the decisions and call the shots. Doctors can suggest but you ultimately are the decision maker. 

February 24th was two days before my due date! I woke up like any other day, got ready for work at 0515 and went in. I had no idea that this was the day I would go into labor. I felt pretty good, no signs of labor (loss of mucous plug, bloody show, final nesting, etc). At work that day we would be participating in a car wash to raise money for our upcoming ball. From 0930-1330 I was helping dry off cars and collecting money in the hot sun. I hadn’t realized it but  I had gotten a pretty good burn that day. After the car wash I came home ate a good ol pb&j and headed to my 40 week appointment. 

 (My last bump pics)

At my appointment my midwife did her normal checks; my weight, vitals, and measured my belly. She also set up my appointment for the following Friday to either induce me or check my fluids to see if the baby was still doing well. I left this appointment discouraged and also feeling like I was going to be pregnant for forever. Oh was I wrong.

After the appointment Daniel and I headed down to a hail and farewell for his battalion. This is where they greet new Leaders in the battalion and say goodbye to those leaving. We ate dinner and the formal portion was soon to begin. I sat at a table with a baby, so of course, I had to hold him 😊 before the formal portion, I handed the baby off to Daniel and went to the restroom. When I came back they had started their hails and farewells. Within the next ten minutes I felt a couple of gushes that I just thought was discharge. No, no it wasn’t. Within seconds I had streams of water rolling down my legs. I whispered to Daniel, “I think my water broke.” As his eyes popped out of his head, he felt it and confirmed it was definitely water. We abruptly stood up and headed for the car in which a bigger gush of water occurred.

When we got to the car, I called the hospital and told them what had happened and they told me to come in within the next few hours so they could check me/monitor me for infection. So many thoughts flooded my mind. 

We headed back home to show our friends how to feed the dogs, grab our chargers, and say “see ya soon” to the pups.

On our way to the hospital I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes for 23 seconds a piece. We arrived to the hospital where they began getting my vitals as well as check to see if my water had broke. For the first time in my life, my blood pressure was high!!!! Also, the midwife didn’t even have to do anything but look when checking to see if my water broke because another huge gush happened on the table. 

So they admitted me to the labor and delivery room. Little did I know it would be a long 24 hours. The first thing they did was draw blood and make me pee in a cup to see if my high blood pressure was anything serious and it wasn’t (thank goodness). 

Next, they checked my cervix to see how dilated I was. I soon found out that what they told me at my 12 week appointment about my cervix being posterior and tilted and could make it harder for delivery really meant 😳

It hurt so bad when she checked me. Once she finally got to my cervix I was only 1 Cm dilated. Talk about discouraging. 

She then suggested we insert a bulb to dilate me to a 3. 

Within 40 minutes, they took it out and I was at a 3. However, my contractions had spread way a part now. The nurse suggested introducing pitocin to bring my contractions closer together. I did NOT want this. However, since my water broke they wanted to ensure I delivered the baby within 24 hours to eliminate infection. They started pitocin and man oh man those contractions intensified. 

So from about 11pm until 11 am the next day, they kept increasing my Piticon, checking my vitals every hour to ensure I had no signs of infection, and let me be. I was in so much pain. I didn’t sleep at all that night, I did laps around the room pushing my cart around with the pitocin IV, bounced on the ball,  and waited it out. I was so uncomfortable. I had a blood pressure cuff on, a contraction band, and a heart rate monitor band on for Jecelin that kept sliding off! It was a long, long sleepless night. Around 1130 they checked me again. I was only 4-5 cm and 90% thinned. How discouraging!!!! I was defeated. My midwife also informed me that my foresac was still intact and that she needed to pop it in order to progress my dilation. She also told me how painful it could be and that they wanted to up my pitocin again after to get me to a 10 quicker. 

I was hysterical at this point. I was having hard contractions, I was exhausted, I was freezing, and I was just ready to have the baby. She suggested I get an epidural to ease my pain and allow me to sleep a few hours before pushing. I asked a million questions. I was so nervous that an epidural would increase my c-section rate, I was nervous about not feeling my legs, I was nervous it would mess up my back permanently, I was honestly a mess. 

The midwife left the room for Daniel and I to discuss it. Daniel was absolutely great. As I was hysterically crying and torn over what to do, he honestly gave me his opinion and supported me either way. We decided to go with the epidural so I could get some rest before pushing. 

We had the doctor come in who would give me my epidural and he explained everything, let me ask whatever questions I wanted, and re-assured me of the process. 

I had scoliosis growing up so I was scared that this would make the epidural harder to put in but he was sure to check my back before doing anything without my permission and give me an honest assessment. 

At around 1330, we finally started the epidural. I had been in labor for 18 hours already 😅

As I breathed through the contractions and stayed as still as possible, the epidural was in within 15 minutes. From the waist down I went numb within the next 15 minutes after that and I was able to finally get some rest. 

Fast forward to around 1800. My current midwife was about to end her shift but before she left she checked me and I was at an 8… Almost there. My favorite midwife/first midwife I had at my 12 week appointment was coming on shift! I was so excited she would be the one delivering me.

When she arrived at 1830, she checked me and could see baby J’s head! She said I would be ready to push at 1900. At 1900 she came in and prepped everything. She asked me if I wanted a mirror to watch and asked Daniel if he wanted to pull her out!

At 1920 I started pushing. It was so enjoyable. My midwife was an awesome coach, my nurse held one leg and Daniel held the other. It was seriously incredible what women’s bodies are capable of doing. With each push I could see dark, long hair getting closer to the “exit.” At around 1940, it was time for the final push. Daniel got ready to catch and pull as my midwife assisted him. At 1944, Miss Jecelin made her debut and it was the most emotional and beautiful thing I had ever experienced. 

They placed her on my chest and when I heard her first cry, my heart skipped a beat. She wrapped her small hand around my pinky and looked into my eyes. I was a mom.

They didn’t have Daniel cut the cord until the placenta stopped pulsating, they left us be for skin to skin and to breastfeed and to just bond with our newest favorite human. It was amazing!!!

Before taking the placenta away they allowed us to look at it. It was so neat!! The midwife told me how awesome and healthy the cord and placenta looked and that made me feel so great. My body did all of that! 

The recovery process will be another blog one day lol 

If you have made it this far, here are some adorable baby pics 😉 

Hope you enjoyed!!

39 weeks say whhhhhat?!

Whoa. Do I ever feel pregnant or what?! This week has truly caught up to me. The uncomfortableness is in full swing, making up for the easy pregnancy I’ve had so far.

Some seriously hilarious things have happened this week. First of all my husband and I have never been closer our entire relationship until the last 9 months. There are no secrets or hiding things when pregnant. You can’t muffle your farts and get away with it. Pregnancy farts are well, extreme. I have made light of the situation by constantly blaming it on J every time one squeaks out 😂 (sorry J). I would normally be so embarrassed but now we both just laugh about it.

Down there. Whoa. It’s just excessive everything. I constantly yell for Daniel when I’m in the bathroom and explain to him what’s going on. I am sure he hates it but he always seems supportive lol. Pregnancy hormones and the body preparing for a baby is beautiful, but comes with a lot of 😳 faces.

So clothes are the most annoying things now a days. I can’t sleep with clothes touching my body. I just honestly can’t get comfy. 

3 am starvation is so real. My go to has been Poptarts and milk, in bed, in the dark, in the nude. I crack myself up.

Valentine’s Day we shared a nice meal down in Waikiki at Yard House. Before dinner came I said I had to go poop. Daniel’s serious response was “I hope it’s diarrhea because that’s a sign labor will come soon.” I couldn’t stop laughing.

 Today, I sent him this text  

As you can see pregnancy is a beautiful and seriously hilarious chapter! We both have learned so much about each other.

Tomorrow, I go in for an appointment with my midwife and I’m hoping she will check to see if I’ve dilated at all. I hope she has great news 😅

All day today I have been cramping off and on and my whole tummy feels like it’s tightening every few minutes. My belly is hanging so low that I feel like she’s going to fall out of my shirt and I’m still working like a madwoman til 6 pm 😳

I will embrace these last few days, and hopefully not weeks with being pregnant but I seriously can’t wait to hold my baby and worship her 👶🏼🎀 

  This was at 38 weeks 😬

The last month of pregnancy 

Wow. One month from today is my due date. I am overwhelmed with emotion. Though, I am ready to meet my sweet baby….. I will as much as I say I won’t, miss feeling her roll around in my belly.

I have been her lifeline the past 36 weeks. I have regulated her temperature, provided her food, protection, and so much more. I have grown her with my own body. Once she leaves my belly, I lose a lot of that control. 

We (yes, that means Daniel too) went to our breastfeeding class last night and it was very informational and kinda emotional. I want more than anything to be able to breastfeed. I believe it will allow me to keep that special connection with my baby J for a little longer. I also started getting nervous when the lactation consultant started saying how a lot of mommas stop BF once they return to work. I only get 6 weeks off and that doesn’t seem long enough. My goal is to BF for at least 6 months. 

I am so so so blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband. I didn’t have to beg or plea for him to come with me last night; he wanted to. He was so engaged the entire class. He wants more than anything to be able to help me breastfeed. Yeah, men can actually help women breastfeed by helping me hand express or give me pointers on her latch. 

Tonight we start our childbirth class. I’m so anxious to see what we will learn. We watched a documentary a few weekends ago called the “Business of Being Born” and it made me extremely emotional. The statistics were insane. Only 8% of women use Midwives and now the average csection rate is 46%. That’s insane to me. I understand there are emergency scenarios that do require csections but I never knew it was so high! The epidural rate was higher. 

I’ve been working on my birth plan lately and my goal is to go all natural, drug free, and delayed cord clamping. It’s been super important too that Daniel helps and knows the plan. I honestly don’t know what state of mind I’ll be in at that point. I have been “pinning” so many natural birth techniques and breathing/laboring positions and I was so amazed! 

Women’s bodies are absolutely amazing. 

Instead of being miserable these last four weeks, I am going to completely embrace every ache, kick, hiccup, and baby J party in my belly. 

I am also going to love and focus on my husband and dogs this month. We are about to add an amazing chapter to our story but with everything else we will have a lot of adjusting 🙂 

Below are a few of my favorite bump pictures. 👶🏼❤️


Week 34: pregnancy and well life update 

Whew, 34 weeks pregnant this Friday. It has FLOWN by. As I’m writing this, Little Jecelin is squirming all around inside my belly having a grand time. 

Pregnancy: Well, I get winded doing the smallest task and this is so embarrassing because I have never felt this out of shape in my life lol!

Putting on my shoes (boots) is painfully challenging. It’s just so far away with my big ol belly in the way.

Swampy pants syndrome where you want to change your undies 5 times a day is the most real and gross thing. I will stop there.

People and what they think they can say to you while you’re pregnant is UNREAL. It’s even more crazy that the people that say it are women who have been pregnant before. 

My favorite, ” you are frustrating that baby, and it’s frustrating me. You are still running/walking 4 miles a day. That’s not good for that baby.”

Uh, excuse me. Actually it is very good for her and I did it before I was pregnant and I still feel fine doing it now. Thanks for caring. Let me know when you become an OBGYN. 

I can’t stop eating either. Like it’s embarrassing. 

Dreams. Oh my goodness, more like pregnant night terrors!! I can’t even explain the complexity and oddness of what I dream.

Sleep. I have a feeling that how I used to sleep will just be a memory. I get up at 2 am every morning to pee and chug water because my mouth is so dry. I toss and turn and cringe at the fact that I have to be up for work 3 hours later.

Work. Ugh 😳 it’s literally painful. I like my job but some of the people I work with, can’t do anything themselves and expect me to solve all their problems and my patience has ran so thin.

Currently, I am thinking about how I must pack my hospital bag and install the car seat this weekend because 6 weeks could potentially turn into 3-4 weeks!

We went on the labor and delivery tour today and it made this all so real. During the tour they kept referring to vaginal births versus c sections and threw terms out there like “tearing,” “padsicles,” and many more terrifying things.

Nursery is almost done and I’ve started to wash baby J’s stuff! The dogs are so confused and curious of what is going on and I’m super excited to see their reaction when they see their new human!

Well, I’m exhausted and have heart burn. Off to pop in a Tums and call it a night!!