Torn- what is my identity?

I have been so torn lately. My heart has been aching, I’ve been begging God for the answers, and I’ve been sick to my stomach thinking about the future.

I have precisely a month of maternity leave left with lots of activities going on between now and then. This past year I’ve been so torn thinking about if I wanted to stay in the military or exit it and move on to something else. I have been in the Army since June 2009. The National Guard/Army has made up a huge chunk of my identity the past almost 7 years. Without this chapter in my life, my life would have been much different.

I may have not went/finished college, I would have never done ROTC and met my husband, I would have never become an Officer and get to lead Soldiers, I never would have lived in Hawaii; my life wouldn’t be the same way without this amazing experience of serving in the United States Army. The Army has given me opportunity I never could have dreamed of before.

The past year and a half though, I’ve been questioning if I want to continue my service. I don’t feel like I am making the difference /being allotted the time and training I want to in order to do what I originally sought out to do when I swore my commitment to serve and defend the greatest country. The Soldiers, the Leaders, the mission isn’t the same quality of what it originally was. I don’t know how to explain it better, it’s just not the same for me anymore.

Throw in a newborn that melts my heart each and every minute of the day and knowing that I’ll soon be leaving her for long days at work where I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing/bettering the mission. I feel like the military has become so much more political lately, wasting lots of money, and getting very far removed from our tactical missions and training. Garrison life is beating down our Soldiers mentally and physically. 
Also, throw in living on an island in the middle of the Pacific away from my family… It’s just hard and emotional a lot. 

My identity has been Soldier and Leader for some time now. I’m scared. What would I do if I exited the military? What am I good at? What makes me happy? We only have one life on this Earth and damnit if I don’t live it doing something that makes me happy and impacts everyone surrounding me in a better way.

I am not one to sit around and do nothing. I strive for chaos and juggling many things at once. I have an undergrad in Speech and language sciences. Do I go back and pursue my masters to practice Speech Therapy or Audiology? That would mean I need to take the GRE. Do I want another baby in the near future? Daniel wants to stay in the military for a bit longer. Where do we go next? Not sure of any of the above. I keep sitting on all of this when the reality is within the next 6 months if I don’t make up my mind now, it could make the next year and a half way crazy for my little family. 

I am asking for many prayers and I’m hoping for some signs to lead me down the right path. As always, thanks for reading friends!


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