As I sit here in Missouri at a church I really fell in love with a few years ago I am overwhelmed with many thoughts and emotions.

I’ve been battling a viscous battle within. It’s revolved around the thought if I’m truly happy or not. Is what I’m doing in my life fulfilling? Do I find happiness and a feeling of success ? Am I in it for the right reasons? Am I doing this for myself or someone else? Have I settled? Can I improve my life and relationships?

Can you relate to some of the thoughts that have been heavy on my heart lately?

It’s time to be honest with myself.

I have made lots of pros and cons lately and though it has helped, but I know deep down in my heart what I want. I’ve just been trying to bury it for now until this “stage in my life” passes. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve and there’s no denying that. I take criticism hard, I stress about the littlest things, and I fear failure and getting in trouble or not satisfying someone’s expectations of me.

I constantly tell myself that I’m just trying to find myself still. But is this true?

I often find myself saying and thinking that I want this or that and that it will make my life more fulfilling. But then I think of that commitment and it scares me. I’m already in a commitment currently, the Army, and that’s enough for me to handle right now. 

I want a baby so so badly. However, do I want a baby for the right reasons right now? Probably not. 

Everyone always says how there’s no greater love and bond than that with your child. Am I only yearning for a baby because I want to feel that? The answer is probably so.

In all honesty, I cling to things that I think will act as a filler in my life and get me through this stage. 

I haven’t even gotten to experience all the fun things about marriage. Do I want to bring a baby into this world when I’m not even completely content in my marriage? 

I love love my husband but marriage is tough my friends. Adding distance and time zones and it only complicates it more.

I want a “normal” (stable) life. The Army has given me so much opportunity and experiences but with everything comes some bad. I will never half ass anything in my life. I just can’t allow myself to do it. With my current life, I feel a lot of things suffer and get left on the back burner. My profession, my emotions, my family, God, my husband, my true aspirations (to name a few and not in any specific order). I have tons and tons of future goals and desires (to build our own house, to travel the world, to have 4 kids, to be surrounded and near family) but my short-term goals are all sorts of blurry with a lot of uncertainty. 

The current lifestyle and career I have fills me with anxiety and stress. I feel like God put me on this Earth to do so much more and to most importantly love what I do and love myself. 

Paradise isn’t truly paradise (Hawaii) when life is so up in the air all the time.

Don’t get my wrong, I have tons of awesome friends all over this world that would do anything for me and vice versa and a kick ass family that supports me in everything I do. 

I guess the point of this post was to focus on if one is truly happy and if not how will you find that happiness? 

I hope someone can relate to this blog and know you aren’t alone in your thoughts. To my readers, have a blessed Sunday and try to find something today that brings you happiness.

Today mine was an awesome church sermon and PANERA!



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